Props to parents everywhere. One month in and I’m still confused about literally every single aspect of parenthood. I expect it will take the rest of my life to think I’ve figured any of this out. My eyes and my heart and my brain are tired tonight. Walking with newcomers and filing paperwork on their behalf and then coming home to figure out how we can best love our two foster kids right now has either two effects:
1. I’m sleeping so hard I am unwakable.
2. I’m not sleeping at all because I’m just staring at the wall wondering why life is so unfair for people that I’ve grown to love so deeply.
I’m not saying this to sound like some sort of do-gooder.
While there have been dark parts of my heart that I’ve battled in a quest against pride and failing intentions, I’m not in this for the reward. At a fancy dinner for work last night, someone asked if I had kids and I briefly explained our short journey into foster care over the past month, a few people gave some awkward, unknowing what to say sort of smiles and said, “well, that must be SO rewarding.”
I smiled and said, “yep.”
Inside though I’m thinking, “this is not rewarding. it’s heartbreaking. it’s sad almost every single day. we laugh and we play and we’re learning languages and cultures, but it’s all so heartbreaking that we’re here in the first place, this is not how it’s supposed to be.”
Life is weird.
If you asked me two years ago when we moved up to Portland what I thought we’d be doing with our lives, I would have been able to tell you that Lacey was going to be an incredible teacher (and she has been), but that is the only thing I could have possibly guessed would happen that is currently happening.
But, here we all are. And we’re all sort of alive and we all have got some love to share and we will laugh and cry and go to bed and sleep or not sleep and then get up and try again tomorrow and there’s that.