so i did something that i found lots of other folks in the world, at least on the internet, doing…instead of making lists of resolutions, they chose a word. you can read more about it here
one word.
this word was supposed to be the thrust of who they desired to be in the year to come. and so this year my word is:
[i put it one some paper and hung it on my office wall so i can't escape it.]

i’m pretty stoked about learning to be and discovering what it looks like for me to be brave.
not because i’m a strong, good looking knight riding in on a white horse to save the day, i’m thinking less Disney classics, and more like king david.
i want to bravely follow Jesus this year.
i want people to look at me and not see seth. i want people to see a man after God’s own heart.
i want to be brave for my students (my kids), and my almost wife, and i just mostly want God to look at me and smile because i’m learning to let Him take away any hint of fear in my life and create me into the man that He’s been asking me to be for quite some time now.

1. this year i fell deeply in love with Jesus. more than ever before. i’ve experienced Him in new ways and learned what it looks like to follow Him more deeply than ever before. that hasn’t been without conflict, rebellion, and pain sometimes…but i can say that i’m growing. which is challenging and tough, and brings deeper joy than anything i’ve ever known. i love this.

2. this year i also fell deeply in love with a real cute girl. her name is lacey. we’re getting married. she’s the best thing (cue big band sounds and ray lamontagne song). i have no idea what the rest of  life is going to look like for the two of us, and frankly, i think that marriage sounds difficult and scary sometimes. but i cant imagine going through life without her and i’m so excited to learn about love and humility and adventure like i’ve never known it before. and it’ll all be with the cutest, dare i say, most beautiful girl in the world.

3. this year i finally left the country (canada never really counted). me, lacey, my wonderful parents, tiffany, hails, and candice took the trip of a lifetime to spend a week with some of my most favorite people that i’ve ever known. they’re the mattenley’s. and i love em. Haiti was an experience like nothing i’d ever known. not only did my heart break for the people of the confused and broken country, but i learned that God is so much bigger and capable than i even can see and that in the midst of His hugeness, He can bring so much beauty out of the brokenness of Haiti. and not only can He…but He already has and is and i trust He will keep doing that. i’m so thankful for people like shane and kristie that live a life that is crazy, not just for being crazy’s sake…but because God called them and they were more interested in following Him than they were with being comfortable. i want that in my life so much more everyday.

4. this year i have been so lucky to have some incredible live music experiences. i love music and this sounds weird, but when i see bands that i love, i get recharged in an weird and wonderful way. from gungor, to the civil wars, to amos lee, the head and the heart, and mumford and sons…my musical world has been rocked. and i’ve loved it.

5. at the end of this year, the NBA lockout ended. this is stupid and trivial, but i love my blazers. i’m so stoked to see em win some games this year!

6. this year i have learned to see God as my provider. through a few cars and some times of sucking at being a manager of my money, i’ve seen God provide for me all i needed and more. i don’t mean this is in a health and wealth gospel kind of way, i mean this in a…i’m thankful for the mercy of God kind of way. He’s good to me. i want to be better at being good with my money in light of His goodness towards me.

7. this year God has been showing me more and more of what He wants me to look like. and He’s showing me that He’s set me free to be just what He wants me to be. its so tough to live in and thrive in the freedom that He’s called me to live in, but i’m finding that there is not a better place to be, no matter how frustrating it can be to bring myself to that place of grace and freedom that He desires us all to thrive in.

8. this year not only have i fallen in deeper love with Jesus and with lacey, but i’ve also fallen more deeply into love with God’s children. i love my life of sitting with and doing life for countless hours with people that i love. people that can challenge me and people that i can challenge. people that encourage me and people that i can encourage. people that minister to me and that i can minister to and alongside of. there is so much beauty in the way that God has created His church to exist. and i cant not feel so crazy blessed beyond words whenever i stop to consider that He’s given me the choice to be a part of the greatest community on the face of the earth, His sweet, beautiful, and sometimes messy Church. i wouldn’t trade it for anything.

so as a throwback to myspace (R.I.P.) there’s my top 8 of the year.
i’ll have more to come.
but that’s all for now.

here’s to a new year of falling. a new year of growing. a new year of listening. a new year of speaking truth. and a new year of being braver than ever. not because i have much reason to be brave on my own, but because Christ has given me every reason in the world to be brave in who He’s called me to be.

always God is better than those weeks.
and always God has a way of breaking through my brokenness to remind me of the fact that He has called me and i am His.

and not only do i just get to say that i’m His, but also, He is holding me and leading me and continues to call me. and i’m his sheep. and He’s my shepherd. and He leads me into all the right places and breaks my legs to lead me out of all the wrong places. and i’m so thankful. so so thankful.

opened and closed doors.
opened and closed people.
broken lives and families.
the way God redeems.
the way drugs destroy lives.
the absence of fathers leaving a generation really confused.
watching friends and loved ones try to figure out where God fits into their life story
watching friends reject God from their life story

and then this little 4 month old baby is sitting in my office and all of the sudden my heart melts.

i cannot do anything but smile at this little child.
(except when her pooping is audible and especially when i can smell it)

she is full of innocence.
shes completely reliant on those around her to take care of her…for every. single. need.
she is thankful and smiling at the world just because someone is looking at and smiling at her.
she doesn’t care that the world can be a mean and confusing place because for her, it doesn’t matter that the whole world is crazy…all that matters is right in front of her.

and i cant help but wish that i could be more like her in how i walk with Jesus.
that i could find innocence in my identity in Christ.
that i could be thankful for the smallest of things and just smile because i have someone to love and am loved back by at least one person.
that i could live in such a way that i relied on God to provide my every need, and acknowledge Him for that.
that i could be where God’s placed me in this moment and do my best to be content living in and serving Him right there.

and the more i think about it, the more i know that spend so much time worrying about these things i cannot control. not to say that i shouldn’t be driven to love and pour into those around me in view of the messed up world that we live and the love that Jesus wants to give to each and every single person on the face of the earth. (i should).

i feel like more and more every single day, God is teaching me what it means to trust in Him from day to day. to trust that He is who He says He is. that He will provide exactly what is necessary for me to live the way He desires for me to life. that He will bring in and take out people that need to be/don’t need to be in my life. that He’ll make things clear when He is ready for me to have clarification and that He is in control even when i’m watching things spiral that seem uncontrollable and reckless.

oh to be a small child in my relationship with my creator. to fully know that i’m taken care of and held by Him each and every day. and that is enough for my survival.

i like these things God is teaching me.
a whole lot.

i wish there was more to say.
but there’s not.
sometimes the weight of a heavy heart can’t be put to words.
it just is.

this morning i found myself finishing up the book of 1st Peter. this letter is throwing me for some real loops. but here is where i found a deep well of encouragement this morning. in chapter 5, starting in verse 5:

In the same way, you who are younger submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves in humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the the humble.”

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of suffering.

And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a  little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 

Amen indeed….

This weekend I was tired. Very. Very. Tired.

The past few weeks I’ve been going hard (not complaining…just saying.) doing things for ministry and myself and my girlfriend and my friendships and I’m bad at saying no and its not a secret to anyone that knows me at this point in my life. And I’m trying to learn to be better, but I’m not trying hard enough to really change much yet…(so that’s another thing.)
BUT in the midst of my tiredness and lack of respecting the rest God wants to give me sometimes…He speaks. And sometimes it takes an 8 hour trip into another state with a bunch of crazy/incredible students to check out a college, for God to speak to some things in my life that need to be spoken to.

Yesterday morning I had the privilege of learning and worshipping with a small community of people in boise, called Regeneration. I wont pretend that I know all the things that make this community of people great, because I don’t even know the half of it. I really don’t. but what I do know…I like. And I’m thankful that places like this exist. and they aren’t perfect, not at all. And also they don’t pretend to be. And I like this. And I like that they make me love Jesus more and I’ve only had the blessing of being there a few times…so those are things about regeneration. Here is what I have to say about yesterday though.

I walked into regen with a very heavy heart and very tired eyes. But immediately I was thankful to see faces of people that I haven’t seen in far too long and a short conversation and a hug with someone that genuinely loves and cares about you (and you toward them as well) that does something good to a man’s soul. And I like that. As I sat down for worship I closed my eyes and was thankful to just be lead into the presence of Jesus. Nothing fancy. Nothing perfectly pitched. Nothing impressive. Just music that was for Jesus and perfectly put to words the place of my heart that morning. And to be led into worship by people that you know are wildly in love with Jesus and people…that is good.

And then the heavy things started to happen. Russell got up and began sharing some stories and some truth and I truly believe the Holy Spirit was really speaking to me through Him.

Stay with me if its possible…I’m a bit jumbled in how I think…

Apparently they are going through a series on the Lord’s Prayer right now. And that’s great. At first I’m thinking, “nice. This seems like a good ol’ sermon series to go through. People probably need to really think about this” (as if I know what I’m doing all the time and I don’t need it, but other people do…oh man. arrogance strikes again!)

And as he began speaking and sharing from His heart and the Word and I quickly became convinced to remove the plank from my eye and start listening and figuring out what He was saying, the Spirit was opening up my mind and heart in real good ways.

That morning’s section of the Lords Prayer focused on this line:

“Give us today our daily bread.”

And to be honest, I’ve known and said/”prayed” this prayer for years, since I was a little dude forced to memorize things I didn’t understand in a small church. And I really don’t think about things that I’ve always known sometimes. And that’s where my messy arrogance screws up my relationship with Jesus. I like when He reminds me that I don’t really know all I think I do. Yesterday morning I was challenged and encouraged as I really considered what it meant for me to pray that line about God giving us our daily bread. And in a few points, here is what I learned/thought about for many hours on the drive home from boise yesterday:

1. God is the ultimate provider. He is it. I forget that because I’m a really good middle class American who gets things handed to me a lot. I often forget that without God doing all the providing of food, friendships, money, a job, a car, coffee…without God doing the providing, I’m pretty helpless. This is a weird concept for someone growing up in a culture where I’m suppose to grow up to do life on my own and be independent…but that’s a crappy excuse for not recognizing the goodness and grace that God brings into and out of my life every single second I’m alive, regardless of I’m always acknowledging it. Which leads me to my next thought/ something else Russell said…
2. If God is really God, and He has created everything. And He is the provider of all I have. If He is the life source of my own life, my relationships, ministry, community, food, everything…If that’s true, then why the heck to do I just treat Him like an afterthought? Where do I get off just staring blankly at the words of scripture or not acknowledging that I’m singing to the GOD OF CREATION when we corporately worship through song in community? Ay ay ay…I have some thinking to do about how I worship Jesus.
3. Another thing, maybe one of the most impressing things on my soul yesterday morning, that Russell said, was that when we acknowledge that indeed God IS the provider of all things. That He IS the very breath we breath and the only place to find true fulfillment and purpose in life…when that happens, it takes away our opportunity to have savior complex. It takes away the part of me that thinks its my opportunity to save everyone’s life and make the world as it should be. I, Seth King, am not Jesus. I am not God. I am just beggar. The lucky part of my life though, is that I know where the bread is. And my job is to point everyone else to the baker. I can’t make bread worth crap…but I know where to get it. That said, why do I think that I’M the one that is going to make everything better? I’m not. Jesus is. Oh. Man. I need to hear this truth in my life so, so, so much more often. I want to bust my tail to help this world see the Kingdom of God like He intended it, but God does the fixing of souls. All the therapy and drugs and addictions in the world cannot mend or numb our souls enough to make them okay for anything more than a brief moment. That’s Jesus’ place to fix the souls of this world. I can only point people to Him and love Him like He would in hopes that they would see how good it is to be loved by the one who died for them.
4. That said and thought about, I was thinking about how focused on relationships we are in the evangelical church at large today and how important they are and how huge they are in helping people to see Jesus. I love relationships. I think Jesus does too. In fact, I know He does. BUT if we focus all of our efforts on building up relationships and never getting to the Jesus part of lives, that’s an issue. And I must confess that sometimes I get so wrapped up in trying to be a friend, and trying to get people to think kindly of the church by being a nice guy to everyone, that I forget to point people to reason I want to have relationships in the first place… Jesus.
5. And as I silently shed a few tears thinking and praying and driving our crazy kids home yesterday, I realized that I am not living out of the overflow of who I am in Christ. I am just getting by with enough Jesus to do what I need to do. I don’t like that though. Not at all. Because just enough Jesus to get by, is not enough Jesus at all. Not even close. And how am I supposed to depend on God for my everything if I am living like I can handle it all on my own? I can’t. I simply can’t. Seems like this is a good shift in my heart to recognize. I love when God calls me to grow and change and I love knowing that He is going to help me do it. I love that He is going to provide everything I need along the way. And I love when He does what He does to make me realize that.

As I sit here in this calm starbucks sipping coffee with the change I found in my car today, I’m thankful for the way He speaks. I’m also challenged to the very core of who I am and how I define myself, my life, and the ministry God has placed me in at this time in my life.
Now comes the really hard part, doing something…or maybe just letting God do something. I’m not sure how that plays out in my walk to know Him more deeply and share His picture of His kingdom with the world around me…and I’m scared of what that could look like.

This is usually the part of the story where things end nice and it was a good teaching that God put in my life…but I know that’s simply just the easy way to process all of this. This is hardly even the beginning of the story. I’ve only yet realized yet another messy piece of how I’m walking with Jesus…now to actually move from talking and thinking to action…this is the struggle…

1. some people dont think hell is a real place. some people think its a very real place. when i read the words of Jesus i have to think that its a really real place. if it was a place you could eventually escape to go be in heaven, why would it be that big of deal? why would Jesus have made such intense warnings about it…and not just once, but several times. also: if you aren’t sure if its real but dont know what you think, wouldnt you rather err on the side of leaning more towards believing its a real place? is that something you want to be wrong about?

2. God doesnt make sense to me because i’m not Him. all throughout the bible, there are passages and stories and things God does, says, and commands that seem weird when i have been taught and can read for myself that He is gracious, loving, forgiving, and accepting. Why does God choose to really hound some people with His truth and let others just fumble around not really getting it. Why would God command His people to annihilate another group of people? Why do seemingly innocent people get slaughtered and stoned in the old testament? So much confusion. And then on another completely different note, where does God even come from in the first place?!? If God made everything, who made God? And then i read passages like Job 38, where God basically says “I am God and you are not and my ways sometimes won’t make any sense and that’s just the way it is.”

am i okay with that?
i’m not sure. but then i think about the fact that my being okay or accepting of the ways of God doesn’t make them any less true. just because i don’t want to be okay with something God does or will do doesn’t change the reality that God has created and continues to  be the King of.

3. i am learning more and more that God doesn’t send people to hell. i think that we choose to be there or be in heaven. i heard it said recently in a sermon (and i will steal this…with credit of course…) that when we die, God will give us what we really desired on earth. If we desired to be with God and live in community with Him and His people on this earth, then that’s what we’ll be given when we die. And we have desired to have no part in what God and His community were doing, then we can have that too…just that one is in Hell.

4. Jesus is talking to some folk in matthew 13:47 and following, He is telling people what it will be like at “the end of the age” and He’s saying that some are going to be tossed out, basically to hell. then He does this thing where he asks them if they understand what He’s saying and they all reply “yes.” But I feel like its not to hard to understand…the hard part is accepting it for how things really will be. if we really understand what Jesus is saying, would we really be living like we do a lot of the time? ay ay ay…

5. everyday is a winding road.

yesterday was a day full of remembering.
this past week, Lacey’s grandmother past away and yesterday was her viewing, graveside, and funeral. it was several hours of thinking, reflecting, and remembering for the family and friends of Nana. and even though i didnt know her well, i know that she’s left an incredible legacy of serving Jesus and loving people.

as the pastor shared thoughts and “cute” acrostics during the service, i noted one thing: more than anything else that could be said about her during the service was that she believed that her relationship with her savior was more important than anything else. i was reading over lacey’s shoulder as she was re-reading a note she had written to her grandmother some time earlier…and in it she wrote about her favorite part of christmas being that they reflected as a family on the birth of Jesus every year…and that was the most important thing. I’d say that’s a rare reflection to be had in families…even Christian ones…its rare for people to grow up knowing Jesus is most important…even more than family game night or sports or school or tradition…(those things aren’t bad…they just aren’t Jesus).

as i thought about that, i couldn’t help but tear up.
because i was thinking how grateful i am to Nana (again, who i’d only met once).
but because of HER love of Jesus and instilling that into the families she loved so much, i got to now be with a young woman who is an incredible example of Jesus not only to me but with the rest of the world too.

and honestly, i was thinking about what i’d be remembered for. and its cliche and blah blah blah…
but i was thinking about it and i was trying to figure out really what i wanted to be remembered for.
i would not like to be known as just a guy who was nice.
as a guy who gave stuff to people or did good things with his time.
as a guy who worked in a church.
as a guy who just loved his family and friends…
i mean i like all those things…and i will try to do them more every day…
but if i’m not ultimately pointing people to Jesus, then those things all seem sort of worthless.
i pray that God teaches me more and more to point to Him and that everything i do would scream the message of the gospel to the world around me…