a good hit on the head
I am so thankful for the days of my life that are absolutely crazy.
Sometimes I look at my life and I’m just so dang tired from going and going and going and not resting enough (I know, I know…I’m working on it…really.) but I look at these days of my life and for as much as I know I’m in need of rest and in need of so many things…I’m thankful that God allows me to be a part of the stories of so many people in so many places and so thankful for the times when He sees me ignoring Him and His call in my life and is not afraid to hit me really hard over the head with His Spirit (and those that the Spirit speaks through in my life.)
This weekend I was tired. Very. Very. Tired.
The past few weeks I’ve been going hard (not complaining…just saying.) doing things for ministry and myself and my girlfriend and my friendships and I’m bad at saying no and its not a secret to anyone that knows me at this point in my life. And I’m trying to learn to be better, but I’m not trying hard enough to really change much yet…(so that’s another thing.)
BUT in the midst of my tiredness and lack of respecting the rest God wants to give me sometimes…He speaks. And sometimes it takes an 8 hour trip into another state with a bunch of crazy/incredible students to check out a college, for God to speak to some things in my life that need to be spoken to.
Yesterday morning I had the privilege of learning and worshipping with a small community of people in boise, called Regeneration. I wont pretend that I know all the things that make this community of people great, because I don’t even know the half of it. I really don’t. but what I do know…I like. And I’m thankful that places like this exist. and they aren’t perfect, not at all. And also they don’t pretend to be. And I like this. And I like that they make me love Jesus more and I’ve only had the blessing of being there a few times…so those are things about regeneration. Here is what I have to say about yesterday though.
I walked into regen with a very heavy heart and very tired eyes. But immediately I was thankful to see faces of people that I haven’t seen in far too long and a short conversation and a hug with someone that genuinely loves and cares about you (and you toward them as well) that does something good to a man’s soul. And I like that. As I sat down for worship I closed my eyes and was thankful to just be lead into the presence of Jesus. Nothing fancy. Nothing perfectly pitched. Nothing impressive. Just music that was for Jesus and perfectly put to words the place of my heart that morning. And to be led into worship by people that you know are wildly in love with Jesus and people…that is good.
And then the heavy things started to happen. Russell got up and began sharing some stories and some truth and I truly believe the Holy Spirit was really speaking to me through Him.
Stay with me if its possible…I’m a bit jumbled in how I think…
Apparently they are going through a series on the Lord’s Prayer right now. And that’s great. At first I’m thinking, “nice. This seems like a good ol’ sermon series to go through. People probably need to really think about this” (as if I know what I’m doing all the time and I don’t need it, but other people do…oh man. arrogance strikes again!)
And as he began speaking and sharing from His heart and the Word and I quickly became convinced to remove the plank from my eye and start listening and figuring out what He was saying, the Spirit was opening up my mind and heart in real good ways.
That morning’s section of the Lords Prayer focused on this line:
“Give us today our daily bread.”
And to be honest, I’ve known and said/”prayed” this prayer for years, since I was a little dude forced to memorize things I didn’t understand in a small church. And I really don’t think about things that I’ve always known sometimes. And that’s where my messy arrogance screws up my relationship with Jesus. I like when He reminds me that I don’t really know all I think I do. Yesterday morning I was challenged and encouraged as I really considered what it meant for me to pray that line about God giving us our daily bread. And in a few points, here is what I learned/thought about for many hours on the drive home from boise yesterday:
- God is the ultimate provider. He is it. I forget that because I’m a really good middle class American who gets things handed to me a lot. I often forget that without God doing all the providing of food, friendships, money, a job, a car, coffee…without God doing the providing, I’m pretty helpless. This is a weird concept for someone growing up in a culture where I’m suppose to grow up to do life on my own and be independent…but that’s a crappy excuse for not recognizing the goodness and grace that God brings into and out of my life every single second I’m alive, regardless of I’m always acknowledging it. Which leads me to my next thought/ something else Russell said…
- If God is really God, and He has created everything. And He is the provider of all I have. If He is the life source of my own life, my relationships, ministry, community, food, everything…If that’s true, then why the heck to do I just treat Him like an afterthought? Where do I get off just staring blankly at the words of scripture or not acknowledging that I’m singing to the GOD OF CREATION when we corporately worship through song in community? Ay ay ay…I have some thinking to do about how I worship Jesus.
- Another thing, maybe one of the most impressing things on my soul yesterday morning, that Russell said, was that when we acknowledge that indeed God IS the provider of all things. That He IS the very breath we breath and the only place to find true fulfillment and purpose in life…when that happens, it takes away our opportunity to have savior complex. It takes away the part of me that thinks its my opportunity to save everyone’s life and make the world as it should be. I, Seth King, am not Jesus. I am not God. I am just beggar. The lucky part of my life though, is that I know where the bread is. And my job is to point everyone else to the baker. I can’t make bread worth crap…but I know where to get it. That said, why do I think that I’M the one that is going to make everything better? I’m not. Jesus is. Oh. Man. I need to hear this truth in my life so, so, so much more often. I want to bust my tail to help this world see the Kingdom of God like He intended it, but God does the fixing of souls. All the therapy and drugs and addictions in the world cannot mend or numb our souls enough to make them okay for anything more than a brief moment. That’s Jesus’ place to fix the souls of this world. I can only point people to Him and love Him like He would in hopes that they would see how good it is to be loved by the one who died for them.
- That said and thought about, I was thinking about how focused on relationships we are in the evangelical church at large today and how important they are and how huge they are in helping people to see Jesus. I love relationships. I think Jesus does too. In fact, I know He does. BUT if we focus all of our efforts on building up relationships and never getting to the Jesus part of lives, that’s an issue. And I must confess that sometimes I get so wrapped up in trying to be a friend, and trying to get people to think kindly of the church by being a nice guy to everyone, that I forget to point people to reason I want to have relationships in the first place… Jesus.
- And as I silently shed a few tears thinking and praying and driving our crazy kids home yesterday, I realized that I am not living out of the overflow of who I am in Christ. I am just getting by with enough Jesus to do what I need to do. I don’t like that though. Not at all. Because just enough Jesus to get by, is not enough Jesus at all. Not even close. And how am I supposed to depend on God for my everything if I am living like I can handle it all on my own? I can’t. I simply can’t. Seems like this is a good shift in my heart to recognize. I love when God calls me to grow and change and I love knowing that He is going to help me do it. I love that He is going to provide everything I need along the way. And I love when He does what He does to make me realize that.
As I sit here in this calm starbucks sipping coffee with the change I found in my car today, I’m thankful for the way He speaks. I’m also challenged to the very core of who I am and how I define myself, my life, and the ministry God has placed me in at this time in my life.
Now comes the really hard part, doing something…or maybe just letting God do something. I’m not sure how that plays out in my walk to know Him more deeply and share His picture of His kingdom with the world around me…and I’m scared of what that could look like.
This is usually the part of the story where things end nice and it was a good teaching that God put in my life…but I know that’s simply just the easy way to process all of this. This is hardly even the beginning of the story. I’ve only yet realized yet another messy piece of how I’m walking with Jesus…now to actually move from talking and thinking to action…this is the struggle…
